I Have Earned this Degree, the Right to Make Art, and to Struggle

September 

I stare down at my Freudian Slippers. Sigmund's cartoonish eyes meet mine while his tongue lolls out from under his white beard. At this moment, I am avoiding my husband's repeated inquiries.

"How do you feel?"

"Any goals? Comments?"

"How are you?"

"Babe?"

He is asking me these questions because it was the first day of my last semester at BYU-Idaho. I graduate in 14 weeks.

So I stare at my slippers, wriggling my toes and enjoying my nonsensical balter, because I don't fancy an existential crisis with my morning tea.

---------

Neil Gaiman talks about the surreality of creating for a living. His wife, Amanda Palmer, coined the term "Imposter Syndrome." Symptoms include believing two men would knock on your door, tell you creating wasn't a real job, and make you get a desk job. That has always sounded like some kind of Harrison Bergeron-esque dystopian circumstance until I remembered I've been spending four years trying to earn the right to tell people I'm a designer.

I have spent most of those years questioning and critiquing my work. Nothing was good enough, someone was better, I pushed myself harder, self-destructively wouldn't accept mistakes and was wildly disappointed when they happened. But it had never occurred to me that I didn't belong in this world.

---------

October 

"BABE. I GOT IT. I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING." my binder flew up into the air as I jumped out of my chair to get Burke's attention. I grabbed his face with both of my hands and stared intently.

"Dada. Existentialism. It's so obvious."

"What's obvious."

"College students. Oh, this is awesome, I'm on it, this'll be poignant."

"I'd understand your excitement a lot better if you told me your entire train of thought." he reminded me to back up.

"Okay, okay, so I wanna do Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead, right? Well, I figured out how I'm going to make it relatable. I flipping love absurdist theatre, oh my gosh."

"Still unclear, babe."

"I'm going to cast Rosencrantz and Guildenstern as college students! It's perfect! 'Cuz we're all having an existential crisis!!"

---------

I spent October perfectly placing and timing sound effects for Jane Eyre, rehearsing my directing scene from R&GareDead, and prepping for NaNoWriMo. I was still optimistic-- a dizzy dreamer, really. Between the amount of storms/ atmospheric disturbances and music I ended up writing for the Jane Eyre, I really shouldn't have had to question if I was an artist. But I kept looking over my shoulder. I was eying the door, just waiting for the suits who were going to drag me out of the theatre.

It's a common habit of mine to analyze my life like a piece of literature. I'm usually aware of foreshadowing or thematic motifs. I learned a lot about Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead. As well as existentialism and Dada.

My existential crisis hit just before Tech Week.

----------

November

"This still life looks like a 50-ft pomegranate on a snowy mountain. I guess it's a metaphor now."

"None of this is working. I've been staring at piano keys for hours and I can't nail anything down. I'm just not cut-out for this."

"Does my class just not get absurdist theatre or am I delusional in believing my scene makes sense?"

"I feel like my faculty isn't invested in me, like they've lost hope in my future, I'm not promising enough."

"Does anyone in this department even respect me?"

"Have I done anything important here? Will anyone remember me?"

"Is anything I've produced even art? Is it even good? It doesn't have to be great, just tell me if it's good."

"I don't think I can do this. I don't think I belong here. I'm kidding myself."

"I have a useless degree!!"

---------

I spent most of November on the floor in a crumpled heap. I tried to drown out the screeching car crash of my head and heart colliding with copious amounts of Netflix. I wrote a scant 3,000 words for NaNoWriMo. And I watched my enthusiasm for Jane Eyre implode, dissolve and dissipate. I was overly critical of every sound-- every time something was heard from the speakers, I'd flinch as if I'd personally smacked everyone in the audience. I was convinced everything was terrible and my mentor, director and faculty were putting up with me because it was just one more month and then they'd be rid of me. Nothing my husband said to me made a difference. Opening night came and I hid in a corner for a week. I feebly tried to deposit hope in an quickly decreasing bank of ambitions and dreams.

I was so very close to giving up.

I was graduating anyways, the journey was over, and I could give up after this. It's not a disappointment if no one believed in it, right?

----------

December

"Laura! I have a weird proposition for you..."

"Haha, okay, sure. What's up?"

"Remember when I asked you if you'd take my graduation photos? Could you take them this week?"

"Totally! Where do you want to go?"

"That's where it gets weird."

---------

Let's talk about Modern Art for a hot second. It's a fantastic paradox where you can tell people what you've done is art and some punk teenager will say it's not art and a doctorate in art history will say it's the pinnacle of art and they're all right. It's infuriating when you're trying to take it down and impenetrable when you're building it up.

Now, Dada is this anti-art movement, perhaps you've heard the term avant-garde. Basically, a bunch of cynics got together and said "ARGH I'M ANGRY ABOUT WORLD WAR I" and then did stuff that's art but it's also not art!(?).

(Please don't describe it that way to your professors.)

It's also associated into stuff like absurdist theatre, existentialism, destructive performance art, and it was my redemption because it meant that my struggle was important, artistic, and glorious.

Taking inspiration from Pete Townshend, I decided the only way to win back solid footing in my creating field was to destroy it. 

That's right.

Immolation.

I was going to immolate my degree.

Not just burn it-- I was going to kill it and offer it as a sacrifice to my existential crisis.


"So, I wan wondering if you'd come out to the dunes and take some pictures while I burn this thing."

"Yeah! That sounds so cool! Let's do it!"

So here it is, my offering:



This is a compilation of everything I'd ever done during my time at this school. Resume, CV list, business cards, programs, pictures, portfolio pieces, scripts, plays I wrote, EVERYTHING. It's all represented.

And then I burned it.




I used LIGHTER FLUID. LIGHTER FLUID. I made sure that sucker BURNED. 

Because the smoke had to get to heaven. Or hell. It had to get to wherever my crisis existed. It had to reach each doubt and suffocate it.

Wow, that sounds just... so... pretentious? Artistic? Hyperbolic? Extensive? Excessive?

Whatever.

I learned something very powerful that day. I was educated enough to know about Dada and that what I was doing had a long-standing tradition and heritage and meant something on several levels. And because I had made an informed decision for this art project, I was an artist.

I watched my work burn and I learned it was okay to let it.

----------

December 13, 2016 

I graduate in three days.

Wednesday, I'll be baking. Presumably all day.

Thursday, I'm going to present my Jane Eyre project in front of a panel of faculty members and pack up my apartment.

Friday, I'm going to walk on a stage and get a fake diploma and have dinner with my family and then I will be done.

I have earned my degree: a Bachelor's in Technical Theatre and Design.

I have earned my right to make my art. Wildly, imperviously, powerfully.

I have earned the right to struggle.

No one can take that away from me.

 

Exit, Pursued By A Bear

It's only Tuesday.

At the beginning of each week, I made goals. I'm determined to have a perfect week where I eat healthy, work out, and get all my homework in on time and well done. I try to include some other successful adult stuff in there like "control your RBF so people don't think you want to kill them" and "maybe you should write your book. Or play. Or any of the million projects you have." Sometimes I dream about an hour or so when I can play my guitar. Usually, Monday and Tuesday go pretty great and then something happens Wednesday night and it throws off the rest of the week so by the time I get back to Sunday, I spend most of church apologizing for my inability to "even" and swearing I will be better the next week.

This week, it was Tuesday.

It technically started on Monday when Monday Evening found me distraught because I couldn't decide if I was an evil person in general, or if I just wasn't worth someone's time. Either way, I felt I had to repent for whatever I was doing wrong. I didn't go to bed at 10:30 like I said I would. Sorry.

I didn't work out Tuesday morning because I didn't get much sleep the night before. I had a pretty molasses kind of morning, but I managed to get to class on time. I successfully barged through the school day, unable to concentrate but desperately attempting to read a 5-act play, accepting my unusually low retention rate. I apologized for being distracted and unproductive.

In the following class, I found out people were scared or concerned because I come across as really off-putting. It's true-- I have notorious RBF as well as crippling social anxiety. I don't deal with large groups of people very well. So I told them I was sorry and tried to show a little happiness.

I tried to do homework tonight, but I wanted to take care of those that were close to me and struggling. Unfortunately for the second loved one who approached me, I wasn't able to concentrate, didn't understand the tones of the texts, and didn't fulfill my duties as a friend. I made things worse-- and for that I apologize.

It's only Tuesday night-- and I want the world to know that I have done my best.

I'm accepting the fact that there are probably going to be assignments that won't get turned in tomorrow. I'm trying to be okay with the hit it'll take in my grade. I'm already writing my apologies to my mentors and teachers that I work with daily. I'm begging for my friend's forgiveness. I'm trying to make it better. I'm trying to be better.

I've never asked anyone to cut me some slack because of this or that. I have never made excuses for myself and even in the midst of panic attacks, heartbreaks and emergencies, I go to class or work and I do my best.

At what point does the world say that my best is not good enough?

Jan-April: Post Mortem

I have the feelings. I have them hard. I have a lot of them. And when one has feelings, there's no greater place than the internet to put them.

I'm not sure how many of you were aware of the hectic semester I've had (my mother and her phone call history are certainly aware). Normally, I'd stay quiet about it and continue to use my mother as free therapy. But because of a sweet and heart-felt testimony from a young woman in my ward, I want to share it with anyone who wants to read and share in the solidarity of college-student stress. My woes and tragedies are not uncommon. Mostly, I want to share what I've learned from this experience in the hopes that it might help one of you, should you be in the same situations.

For starters, my ADHD came back with a vengeance. We all joke about how, on a scale of 1 to 10 I'm a--LOOK A SQUIRREL! But do any of you actually know how frustrating it is to not be able to control your mind? You're on a horse that you can't bridle and more often than not, that horse thinks today's a great day to try base jumping. Guess it's time to get over that fear of heights, eh?

What's more, I got to experience the crashing waves of apathy that accompany a special strand of depression. This special strand usually hits Return Missionaries as they notice and struggle with the bumpy ride that is transitioning. If you're as good a missionary as you ought to be and you give it all you got, you know that when you come home… you don't have much left to you anymore. You have to rebuild yourself. It's especially difficult because receiving revelation is much different when your stewardship is just yourself and not an entire city anymore. Decisions to life questions don't exactly come every hour on the hour. Being away from the spirit is hard.

If you combine the inability to focus and incredible apathy that turns your brain into sludgy molasses, do you know what you get? ANXIETY. I'd been stressed before in the past. I've had my fair share of panic attacks. But persistent anxiety was a new ball-game for me. Every day, I felt 5 minutes away from a break down. I had to "conceal, don't feel, don't let them know" because life had to go on and I had to take care of people or do some schoolwork or go to sleep. You know, human stuff. Anxiety evolves into panic, panic turned into terror and pretty soon, I faced a lot of sleepless nights and a belief that any moment, my heart would rip out of my ribcage and my eyeballs would explode like a balloon that'd been filled up with too much helium.

That's a less than pretty sight for anyone.

In summation, I felt like this:

This time, I'm not exaggerating for the funzies. I've never seen a more perfect allegory of this semester. Each week felt like the shock of an axe in my door as I was backed up to the wall with no way out, too weak to brandish a knife for protection. Literally, just living on a prayer. 

Throw in a dash of drama from late night rehearsals, boys, schoolwork, wanting to be a better friend than I had been and I'm really serious about the eyeball-exploding, heart-bursting scenario described before. 

And yet, remarkably, my eyeballs are in tact and my heart has made no violent, sudden movements towards the surface of my skin. 

So how does one do it? Without medication for any of the three ailments, no counselor and the constant feeling of isolation, I can confidently say: #divineintervention. 

For anybody who feels me on this level, I want to share how I got out. Am getting out. It's an on-going process. 

I started by making a list of everything I wanted to do-- this year, next year, next next year-- and then eliminated everything that was not being helpful. I made goals and set some plans. My list included things like: 

-don't drop out of college 

-eat more protein 

-go to bed before 1am 

-go running for at least a half hour

This is not the definitive list… 

As I eliminated stressors, things began to change. School was still very stressful and I still marvel at the 8th wonder of the modern universe that is my GPA and how the heck did I achieve one so high with so beat up a brain. BUT. I laughed a lot more. I was making it whole days being happy instead of singular hours of the day. And then, something wonderful happened. 

Like I said before, as a Returned Missionary, you don't need the Lord following quite as closely as behind you as you did before. But if I learned anything on my mission, it's that when the crap hits the fan, the WORST thing you could do is sacrifice your spirituality. I knew that it's worth it to read your scriptures instead of sleep in. I know that you can't afford to NOT pray every night. I testify that were it not for weekly temple attendance, I would not have been able to do this. You guys, I need those covenants because if I didn't have them, then I really would have done this whole semester alone. But I tried my very best to be a good girl and I was not forgotten for my meager efforts.  

I see the beauty of the Lord's plan. I'm sure He enjoyed this roller coaster as much as I did, if not a little less. I can say with resounding surety that the Lord has not left me alone. Not even for an instance. I put into force the idea that my God was greater than my trials. I trusted Him enough to get up and try every day. I made my way through my daily To Do lists and said prayers every second of it. I prayed for anger and bitterness to be washed away. I prayed for the mental capacity to not fail my assignments.  I prayed for the physical strength to get out of bed. There were so many times when I thought that, maybe because I wasn't a missionary anymore, I wasn't of use or importance to God and maybe I was on my own for realsies. And then stuff would happen like I'd get a second wind or a friend would call me up to get me to the temple. I've seen a lot of signs and miracles that God is there and has been there, the first and foremost being that I wasn't hit with lightning. The Lord listened to every prayer-- petty and pathetic or emotional and heart-broken. 5 minutes or a half an hour. 

In the wake of the destruction of this semester, I found out that I'm unbreakable. Wounded, of course. Hurting, always. There are days when I can't keep my eyes open and I want to bash in the hood of a car with Mjolnir. Even now, I'm up with insomnia and I feel clawed open by a large and undomesticated cat. But there's literally no force on earth that could keep me down, out, and quiet. 

Parting thought: a lot of us are afraid of something. I was afraid of everything. I found a way to stop being afraid; I stopped giving a good gosh crap. I didn't have to care, God was taking care of it, all I had to do was put my head down and just keep MOVING. Moving FORWARD. My attitude was that of "TO HELL WITH FEELING SUCKY, I WILL NOT."(pardon my French.) I've kicked and fought my way here, I'll surely make it there. I'm pretty sure I can do anything. In fact, I know I can handle anything. I don't give in to the sadness, I don't give in to the negative thinking. I want to because wouldn't it just be easier to float down the river? But it'll be a delightful day in Hell when I give in to the enemy of my soul. 

Of course, none of the empowering things I've said can take away the pain. We will all still be hurting. Often on the floor, bent over in pain. In this Easter season, I'm grateful for the Atonement of our Savior Jesus Christ for a different reason. Usually, I'm grateful because it means I can drop the load of sins I've been carrying. This Easter, I'm grateful because I'm starting to get what it means to take His yoke upon us. It's still a weight, but I have the Son of God to pull that with me. There is no one who understands me better and there is no one as loyal as He. He has stood by and will continue to stand with me. I know that I could not survive were it not for Him. 

So! How do I feel, at the coming of the close of a brutal semester? Hit it, Henley. 

I'm unbreakable. 

This Is For My Future Kids

I don't know how prominent a fact this is to y'all, but I don't like Valentine's Day. It seems that the worst days of the year land somewhere in May, sometimes November, but ALWAYS February 14th. I've had a lot of time out here in these cold hinterlands to think about why exactly I'm so against celebrating the patron saint of Getting-Clubbed-to-Death-in-the-Streets-of-Rome. For one, I can't stand the corrupted lenses of commercialism. Why is love all of a sudden about buying jewelry and eating asbestos-flavored chalk hearts? When did that happen?

But I'm doing something brave this year! I've decided to celebrate this holiday, this excuse to get out of rehearsal! Why? Because I have something I need to fight for. 

50 Shades of Grey is coming out this weekend. I was never a fan of it simply because it was Twilight spawn and I knew it was tasteless erotica… and then I realized just how bad 50 Shades really is. The articles started coming out and I came to a conclusion: there are so many things totally wrong with this book. It then evolved from a simple "ew" to its full realization of depravity, desecration, and abuse. As much as I respect the freedom of speech, the culture this represents and the acceptance we give it is something I will not stand for. It is a hollow, dark mockery of what love is.

So, this post is for my children, who will surely ask me about love one day (one day when she exists...) and I will give her a better answer than E. L. James did. 

My Dear Future Chiddens,

Love comes in many shapes and sizes. It comes in colours and styles. It's limitless in expression and selfless in its desires. It's funny, it's awkward, it's weird, it's wonderful.

You're going to have friends. Hopefully, you'll have lots of good friends. You might even have a best friend. I have a best friend.

Your auntie, Miranda

We've been through the days, lemme tell you. I hope you find a best friend as good as mine. Our love is downright sisterly. We do weird things to each other. We scare the crap out of each other. We make each other laugh. That's love. Love is making her talk so that she won't bottle. Love is when she calms you down when your anxiety levels his panic mode. Love is writing a book together and making a million inside jokes that literally, only you two understand. I hope you have a best friend that makes you tea and orders chinese takeout because you deserve that kind of love.

I hope you have lots of friends because then you'll have a big support group. I hope that they're all good to you and that they lift you up. Join a soccer team or get into theatre. I want you to have a family away from your family. One day, you'll go to college and it will be hard to wash your own socks. But if you go to rehearsal or practice every night and gets bruises, laugh, cry, scream and rage-vent, it better be with people you call your own.

bonus if they take creeper photos of you during rehearsal 

Kids, love is not learned outside. Love is not learned in the movies or the news or in books or in plays. It's learned inside, inside your own home. Home is a safe place for you to mess up. Home is where free food is. Home is protected and nonjudgmental. All of that is possible because home and family is built on the love of a bunch of goofballs. 

pictured: goofy goobers

You, my sweet turds, come from a long legacy of love (and weirdos). This is the kind of love that should be celebrated the most because it might be the most abused. We take each other for granted, yell at each other, push all the right buttons. But I have felt the most love come from our house. Home, so says the Family Proclamation, is a sacred place. Family is a sacred love. It's funny. It's hard sometimes. Familial love is the best kind of love because deep down, you know that no matter what happens, we're all stuck with each other and there's no hope of ever getting out. 

When you grow up and come back from your missions, maybe your father and I will have taught you enough about love that you'll go out and try to convince some poor innocent to stay by your side for better or for worst. This person will make you excited to go to Costco to do the most mediocre errands. You'll pay off student loans with this person. Buy a house with that person. I hope that happens. Because then you'll internalize what I've been trying to say this whole time. 

Never listen to the movies. Never take advice from the songs. Never assume that what you see on the stage is a depiction of true love. We've all been obsessed with love from the moment we knew what it was, but there haven't been many who've accurately represented it in popular media. If you want to know what love is, might I suggest prayer. 

You know where love comes from, right? It comes from God, who sent His son to pay our debt. A debt that we couldn't repay, a debt that would keep us away from our Father forever. Love comes from Christ asking forgiveness for the very people killing him. His love will answer your prayers in the middle of the night when I'm not there. His love will protect you from people that want to hurt your feelings. His love will guide you to the most beautiful places. It will turn you into a better person. One day, maybe we'll be able to love the way He loves.  

Kids, love is FULFILLING. And if the way someone makes you feel is anything but? It's not love. Sometimes, it's even abusive. It's ETERNAL, so you need to treat it well enough that it'll last that long. Love isn't just for Valentine's Day, it's for EVERY day. And I'll celebrate this insipid little holiday if it'll help you understand what love is.

Love, Your Future Mom 

Adventure Is Out There!

Well folks... It has come to this. I have not been looking forward to this. Ask anybody here in Arlington YSA and they'll tell you how much I DO NOT want to go home. Don't be surprised if I don't make it to their airport-- they probably kidnapped me. They've been making threats all week.

We had a great week! We met with our investigators and I'm happy to report that Sweet Soul and Weightless are back on track! They both had experiences where they realized they wanted CHANGE and that they were fed up with the ruts they were in. We also set TWO baptismal dates with our two new investigators from last week! YUSS. I don't care if ya sin so hard ya black out, if it makes you come back and change then AWESOME. Without being casual, that's what the Atonement's for. That's why we have a Savior. So that we can change and move on. Doesn't matter how far you've fallen, you CAN (and WILL, if I have anything to say about it!!) get back up. Is the Atonement infinite? Or is it infinite???

So, this is my last email as a tagged missionary. Come Thursday, I'm gonna take my nametag off (read: Pres. Houston will have to tackle me to the ground and wrestle it from me) and that's gonna be about the only thing that'll change. Oh, well, I guess I'll start wearing pants again...

But I wanted to share with you (for those of you who've never heard it) my personal testimony story. So, yes, this will be a hecka long email, but go big or go home right? (haha..................... wait.)

There was a point in my life (circa high school) when I became spiritually Less Active. I went to church cuz that was the Gunson house rules but I never read my scriptures and I never prayed. I slowly started slipping until I just didn't... care anymore. My parents tried to intervene, but no matter what spiritual experience I had, it never STUCK. This all started when I had tried to read and pray about the Book of Mormon and didn't get an answer back. I was like "what the heck, man?? I thought there was a promise in here!!" This went on for I want to say maybe 2 and a half years or so... And that's when I was like "this is stupid. This is ridiculous. I'm gonna read the Book of Mormon." I was angry and sad and grumpy all the time, I fought non-stop with my family, just wasn't fun. I remembered all the many blessings my father had given me, telling me to JUST READ THE BOOK OF MORMON. If I did that, I would be safe. So, I picked it up and decided I was gonna read a chapter every night. A week later, I started praying every night AND reading every night. And within just barely under a month, things turned around.

So that's how I got my testimony. But my conversion story is my mission. I knew this stuff was true and out here, I got to apply it. This mission has been the making of me, the sanctifying of me, the burning-away-a-bunch-of-dumb-stuff in me, and now having completed a full and fruitful mission, I can say that IT IS ME. I can say that the scripture that told me to go on a mission(Jacob 5:75) wasn't just a prompting but a prophecy. I have received a GREAT joy in my service. So much joy that the first 15 minutes of my studies this morning was  bawl-praying my thanks to Heavenly Father for letting the ultimate goober serve a mission. Thank GOODNESS He took that chance on me.

What have I learned? I have learned that God lives! God is my HEAVENLY FATHER, who loves me with a depth I cannot comprehend. He has watched over me and those I love carefully and mercifully. He's never let me out of His sight or out of His arms. And I will always have that relationship and nothing can take that away from me. I have learned that Jesus IS the Christ! His Atonement is INFINITE, people!! He can change ANYONE who is willing to listen and willing to ACT. No matter how black the Friday, Sunday ALWAYS comes because of Him. I know that Joseph Smith was a man of God and has done more for me than any other latter day prophet-- maybe more than any prophet! The Book of Mormon is the word of a LOVING God who would never let His children live in darkness unless they chose to. It is relatable to me and to my day and time. I have learned to be holy, to be sanctified, to put off the natural man and to ditch old habits and old personalities in favor of my eternal personality. I have learned to LOVE. Brothers and Sisters, friends, family, people I don't yet know and even my enemies, LOVE CONQUERS ALL. It trumps everything and anyone who tries to bring you down. I know how much the Savior loves me because He has allowed me to love YOU. And He has shown me the proper way to do so.

I had my exit interview on Saturday and I received an incredible blessing. In that blessing, I was given a clear vision of what I need to do. It wasn't specific-- I still have various ideas about which major and I don't know my husband's name or where I'm gonna live-- but I know who I am and I know God's plan. And I will be walking confidently into the future as a woman of God and a disciple of Christ.

Last thought: I had been scared of transitioning. I was scared because I was like "I need something to work towards, I'm not gonna have a vision, no accountability, AHHHHH" but then I read Chapter One of Preach my Gospel. There is nothing in that chapter that does not apply to every baptized member of Christ's church. Especially Page 10-- where every missionary looks to make sure they're doing their job right. That's where every member needs to be looking to know if they're living up to their baptismal covenants, honestly. In that last blessing, it was promised to me that I would continue my missionary work. And while I REALLY would like to put my name tag back on, I know that the world is my mission and you're all under my circle of influence, which makes YOU my area. So get ready to be spiritually edified, son, cuz I'm coming home!!

ADVENTURE IS OUT THERE!!

Love, Sister Hannah Gunson

FREEEEEEEDOOOOOOOOOMMMM!!!

You know why you do your family hsitory work? When you know where you come from, lots of things make sense. We come from outspoken pioneer-missionaries with a big-- sometimes sassy-- mouths. Sayin' it like it is since... whenever we joined the church. (Another reason why you do family history work? Exact dates.)

So this week was better. Life wouldn't be life without its trials! It adds salt.

GOOD NEWS: ED AND WOAH GOT BAPTIZED ON SATURDAY!! They shared a program! And it was so cool!!! Haha, Satan REALLY did not want that baptism to go down.... The master key did not work and when we tried to open the accordion doors so that the audience could see the baptism, that didn't work either. We waited for like 10 minutes while we got some stake member back-up who had a key. Woah popped her head out of the side door where she went through to get to the font and said "guys, I just want to be baptized! I promise!!" Bro. Reyes, the member that baptized her, kept saying "LIFE IS GREAT, LIFE IS AWESOME!" and it helped me relax a bit. Just gotta let stuff roll off your shoulders. They got baptized and confirmed and then later that Sunday, they both signed up to go on exchanges with us this week. Such spirits!

SIDE NOTE: Ed is from India and we looked up his home state and how the church is doing.... It's really cool. In India they mostly have little  branches of the church, but where Ed is from, they have a WARD. We got a little side-tracked and started looking at temples around the world... it is so cool. Ed's gonna go back to India and convert his family and friends and one day, we're gonna have a temple there. I also REALLY want to serve another mission when I get home... can I do that? I'm doing that. 14 year mission? Nobody misses me THAT much...

On the sad side... Sweet Soul and Weightless and Song aren't doing so well in their progression. The worst part is that they ALL know it's true, we know why they're not growing, THEY know why they're not growing.... and they still won't fight off the buffetings and temptations of Satan to experience the greater gospel light. Sweet Soul told us that he's trying to get his freedom.... And when we told him to read his scriptures, he read the chapter heading only and then wondered why he didn't feel better. When I asked him why he didn't read more, he said that a missionary in the past told him to take baby steps. And now he was using that as a crutch.

Well...... Baby steps didn't cross the Delaware. Baby steps didn't break down the Berlin Wall. Baby steps won't fight off Satan. True, by small and simple means are great things brought to pass... but chapter headings do not exactly divide asunder the cunning wiles of the devil.

I'm reminded (once again) of my own personal search for truth. I wanted freedom from darkness SO BADLY, I accepted the terms the Lord gave me.

The Lord has never asked for a grand show-- just to take 7 baths in the Jordan river, or to look up at a snake on a stick. NOT THAT HARD.  (Janet's note:  these are references from the Old Testament.  Stories of faith and healing.)

I went on an exchange with my Sister Training Leader and we visited a less active sister. She had texted us the night before, saying that something had bugged her, so she spent an hour in the scriptures trying to figure it out and would like to go back to church some day. We ran over that morning and invited her to share... she had an experience a lot like one I had had before.

She wanted faith. She wanted to pray. She wasn't praying because she felt turned away. She felt denied because she was listening to that enemy of us all who told her she was a disappointment. My STL and I teared up. I felt such a swell of love for her. And I told her with absolute conviction that Jesus, as the Christ, loves her. And there's nothing she can do to stop that love. Pharisees tried that already-- worked out GREAT, wouldn't you say?

I'm grateful for the experiences that gave me such conviction. Even now, coming out of a brutal week, I'm able to look at this sister in the eye and tell her that once she finishes her repentance process, she'll KNOW with unshakable faith that the Atonement is REAL. Because I know.

I'm re-reading the Book of Mormon (like ya do..) and when I got to Alma 26, I prayed to know why this chapter hits my mom so hard. She'd told me the story before, but I'd forgotten details. I still don't know her experience, but I know what it means to me.  (Second Janet's note:  Go read it!  It is the most motivating, joyful chapter!)

"... this is my LIFE and my LIGHT, my JOY and my SALVATION, and my REDEMPTION from everlasting wo. Yea, blessed is the name of my God who has been mindful..."

This gospel is freedom. This gospel means the world to me. I love the Book of Mormon. I wish I could give you my testimony so you would know exactly how I feel.... but honestly, if you're curious about how I feel, the Lord can show you. Just ask the missionaries-- they can help.

GO FIGHT WIN. 

Love, Sister Gunson

Sunday Will Come Oct. 20, 2014

Before I say anything more, you need this talk: It's Sunday Will Come and it's my favorite. https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2006/10/sunday-will-come?lang=eng

I told Aunt Judy I'd email this story today. This one comes from Euless, my first transfer training. It's famous around my companions... really anyone I serve around. They've probably heard me say things like "well, I prayed for it, so it'll happen!" or "PRAY FOR IT" and this is that story:
I was having a really hard time. I was stressed and exhausted and all I wanted was chocolate. Not a lot, just something sweet, all to myself. And so, in passing, I said "Heavenly Father... you know what I want? I want chocolate." I felt this calming peace come over me.... and I KNEW I was getting chocolate by the end of that day. I waited through sacrament, I waited through Sunday School, I waited through Relief Society and I was unphased. I was getting my chocolate!

Well, our dinner appointment cancelled, but because he's awesome, he was like "no, sisters, you're not going hungry, I'm packing ya some sack lunches." He drops em by and I dump mine out and the last thing in that bag were 2 chocolate coins. Not a lot-- just enough. I stared at those 2 coins and was like "GOD LIVES!!!" I called the member to share the miracle and he said "weirdest thing happened, sister. I was making your lunches and I felt prompted to look in the freezer. I NEVER look in the freezer-- but I did. Saw those. Dropped em in your bag. What do ya think of that?"

I reiterate: GOD LIIIIIIIIIVVVVESS!!

So I've told every companion that. And they know that when I pray for something... I get it.

This week was surprisingly hard. The fear and stress of going home compounded with some brutal attacks by the adversary knocked me flat on my back in some kind of spiritual panic attack. I don't want to dwell on that because there were certain "pray-for-chocolate" miracles that ensued.

The first is that I got to see my Aunt, Judy this week. She's the first piece of family I've seen in a year and a half. And I was SO GLAD to have some support. I'm never alone in a mission of 270+ missionaries. But... having family gives you that boost.

Second, Friday, when I was having a REALLY rough day, one of my old STL's happened to pop up in the church building where Sister Nielson and I were. She had gone home in April, but came back to live in Southlake. As she was walking down the hallway, I had this feeling of "HOLD ON. HELP IS COMING." and after we caught up, I asked for her advice and sure enough, strength and refreshment came.

Third, we went to our mission-wide fireside (where we get to bring all our gators to meet President) and we brought Weightless. Well... Recent Convert Best Friend from Lantana and Awesomeness from Euless were there. And guess what? I had been praying that Weightless would get to talk to them because they both struggled with some things prior to their baptism that she's going through right now.

WELL WHEN I PRAY FOR SOMETHING I SURE GET IT.

I wish to tell you more, but I'll be seeing y'all in a couple of weeks anyways, you'll get more stories. But I want everyone to know that Sunday comes. Chocolate gets dropped into your lunch sack. A member makes you fajitas and pie for dinner on a really bad day. And an investigator affirms your spiritual power. You have to find the good things and be optimistic and it's so hard to do that and I'm not perfect at it. But good grief, do we believe in an infinite Atonement and an all-powerful God or don't we??

My heart has been made tender. It's all squishy and stuff, so I'm gonna get off because that's just sick and ain't nobody wanna listen to a sensitive sister hehe....

Love y'all!
Sister Gunson

Mission Life....It's Now or Nevarr!!!!

Hannah uses mission lingo so much in this letter that I don't even want to attempt an editor's note... Please ask me if you would like further clarification on anything!!  Although I will explain this one thing--to be endowed means to enter the temple and make covenants with Heavenly Father.  When you keep covenants with God, He "endows" you with blessings and power.  That's why we get so excited when people go to the temple to receive their endowments! :)

Begin forwarded message:

From: Hannah Gunson <hannah.gunson@myldsmail.net>

Subject: Mission Life!.... Now or Nevarr!

Date: October 13, 2014 at 12:30:37 PM PDT

To: Janet Gunson <jug@me.com>

Hank Smith gave a talk called "My Soul Hungered and My Stomach Growled" (thanks a ton Elder Wright for sending that to me!!) and there's a part where he's talking about how sometimes we're rebellious and he kinda whispers "It's My Life" (a song by Bon Jovi). Somehow, Sister Nielson and I decided to say it at every opportunity. Someone will do something and we'll pause and say "...it's her life!... Now or Nevarr!!" Anyways. Just explaining the title.

Last week, I found out that the Joker from my last area was being endowed on Saturday!! However, I wasn't able to make it. And that's okay-- as it turns out, the Lord needed us in Arlington!

Reason #1: Sister Nielson got a rash on her foot (I've been calling it leprosy... it's not leprosy. But that doesn't stop me from calling her my "little leper.") and we had to get that checked out (cuz DUUDE it looks NASTAY) and that took FOREVER. After that, we went potential hunting and had a couple of cool experiences.

Reason #2: We met this guy as he was getting out of his car and we engaged in some polite missionary contact... Funny thing is in Texas, you can find the elect like RIGHT AWAY because the elect will let YOU talk. Those blinded by the craftiness of men usually spend 45 minutes explaining that there's no spirit world, there're no familial bonds in the after life and all we do there is wake up, praise God, go back to bed...for eternity. (Side note: I would not worship a god so vain that he created us just so that we could come back and spend our eternity worshiping him... no thanks. Also, why would we have families here if we didn't need them thereafter....?) Anyways. While we were talking with this guy, Sister Nielson and I had the strong impression to testify boldly of the restored truths of what really happens after we die.  He might be in the spirit world before he listens...

Reason #3: We met 2 teenagers, also on the sidewalk. We had walked past them and the spirit told both of us to turn around (the Spirit speaks Texan y'all) so we quickly turned around and taught these two. They're both in high school and they were the elect we were looking for. Spanish missionaries had actually been teaching one of the teen's mom before. And they "kept reading out of some book..." We were like ".... you wanna know what that book was?" and both of them said "SURE!" Long story short, we're meeting with them this week. And they were so polite for high- schoolers!! That's always a plus.

More cool things happened this week:

Remember that little stinker last transfer, whom I aptly nicknamed "Stinker?" He called us and asked us for the New Member Lessons. He's had a really rough go of it this year. To protect him and respect his privacy... we're gonna say he's just had some really negative stuff going on. Before, last transfer, he was closed off and negative, even seeking to remove his records from the church. And then, after returning from trying to move away, he came back to Arlington and asked us to teach him. We have a long way to go with this one, but it was so cool to get that phone call!!! Met with him Sunday, he decided he wants to go on a mission. The Atonement truly is infinite!

Last story. And this is a long one, so just keep holding on. We were at dinner with a member at Chipotle Friday night and these people came up to us, asking us "what's the difference between the Mormons and Christians?" Excited at the reverse contact, we leaped into the first lesson... only to discover the true intentions for starting this conversation. It went from pleasant testimonies of Jesus to ripping into Joseph Smith, telling us that we were wrong, denying our experiences in praying about it, telling us that we worshiped Joseph Smith, he saw a fallen angel and not God, that we weren't Christians... all the sort of "bunk" we usually get. Mostly, it was annoying how they wouldn't listen. No matter what we said, no matter how we testified, they denied its authenticity because it didn't agree with their doctrine.

But the funny thing was: At lunch earlier that day, I had been reading from my D&C seminary manual about the prophet's martyrdom. It referred me to Section 135, John Taylor's testimony of the prophet. I felt impressed to read it out loud. As I read it, I felt the strong impression (coupled with the strong desire) to pray for confirmation. I couldn't even get the question out, the Lord was so excited to DUMP, just POUR His confirming spirit to that prayer.

Forward to later that night at dinner,that confirmation was put to the test. Finally, the opposing team went too far and I interrupted them, put my foot down and bore the most powerful testimony I ever have that Joseph Smith was a prophet and servant of the Lord. I don't worship him, but I am thankful for him because through him, I gained a greater understanding of my Savior. That man made the Savior PERSONAL to me and has influenced my life in such great ways-- for that reason, I sing "Praise to the Man."

WEEKLY SOAPBOX: Not only is this experience cool--if obnoxious and rude--but I learned several things from it that testify to me of the truthfulness of not only Joseph Smith, but of this church.

#1: THE ROLE OF THE SPIRIT IN CONVERSION / WHAT IT FEELS LIKE: The second this guy started talking, I couldn't understand him. I think he was testifying of Christ... and I think he was speaking English, but the whole time, I was like ".... wut?" NOTHING HE SAID MADE SENSE. I feel like that's a sign the Spirit just up and left. For the life of me, I can't even remember what he was testifying of! First lesson learned: the Spirit is CLEAR, direct, enlightens and makes sense-- when YOU are open.

Not only was it confusing, their spirit was rude and biting. They denied our spiritual power, insulted our beliefs, and, despite telling them many times how often we pray-- especially about this!-- they told us we were still wrong. They told us "we love you guys and are concerned for you!" Well I've been loved before and it doesn't feel like that. THEN they told US that WE weren't open. Because if we were, then (and I quote) "the spirit of God would've come down on you and y'all would've been on the floor, speaking in tongues!"

*le sigh*

The Spirit is ennobling. It takes farm boys with 4th grade educations and turns them into prophets. It doesn't take 20 year olds and make them look like drunk toddlers. Alcohol does that, the spirit DOES NOT.

#2: MY RELATIONSHIP WITH HEAVENLY FATHER AND JESUS CHRIST: Amongst all the soul-assaulting insults of the evening, the worst insinuation was the denial of my honest, loving and truthful relationship I have with the Godhead. I've heard each one of Them speak to me, I know what They sound like, feel like and the idea that either I'm not praying to the right God or the God I've been praying to has lied to me about the truth gets under my skin. Dude. I've prayed too long, too hard about this and many other subjects to not know the truth. And if I've been praying to the wrong God, or the God I have been praying to hasn't told me by now that all this isn't true and that this isn't the way to get back to Him... then honestly, I'd rather go to hell because at least then the devil would care enough to do everything in his power to drag me down to be with him.

And if this is all wrong, and we all do go to hell, I'd rather be in hell with my family and Joseph Smith anyways. Better company, in my opinion. Anyways. I CLEARLY have feelings about this.

FAMILIES ARE FOREVER AND THE CHURCH IS TRUE. 

Love, Sister Gunson

Singin' In The Rain

Quick editorial:  to "kill" a missionary is to be their last companion and send them home.  Just don't want any false doctrine being spread that we condone murder...

Begin forwarded message:

From: Hannah Gunson <hannah.gunson@myldsmail.net>

Subject: Singin' In The Rain

Date: September 29, 2014 at 9:53:25 AM PDT

To: Janet Gunson <jug@me.com>

I'd like to start off this email by telling y'all once again how much I love my mission. YOU GUYS. I LOVE MY MISSION OKAY??? It's the best thing I've ever done!! I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT.

Okay. Now that that's over with.

So, transfers.... Sister Christensen the Second is LEAVING ME. She's gonna go kill Sister Heap! Haha, all my companions serve with each other! What is up with that... So we're not exactly enthralled with transfer doctrine, but, well, what're ya gonna do? It came from God, so... go forth and do.

Last week for pday we went to the Dallas Cowboys Stadium!! AHH IT WAS SO MUCH FUN! I'll send some pictures :) But it was so cool to realize that I'm best friends with my companion. That ROCKS.

This week, we've seen some people flake out... Crispy is a bit of a turd. He sent his brother to come out and tell us that he didn't want to meet today. And he just sat in bed, playing on his phone. I about kicked in the door and would've drug him out by his tshirt, but... that doesn't exactly bring in the Spirit and you kind of need that to teach. So..... impasses. Am I right?

BUT. We saw a lot of progression!! Gawee, the LA part of the LA/PM relationship I've mentioned before, is so cool. When I first met him, he was struggling with just about everything that'd keep you out of the temple. And then they broke up and Gawee and Weightless have just progressed like CRAZY. They still have bad days, but we were meeting with him on Wednesday and just kinda regrouping. We talked a lot about Mosiah 5 and he was kind of beating himself up because he felt like he didn't have "a mighty change of heart." So we took him through his experiences-- how much he's grown, how he sees the temple, what he's willing to do, what he IS doing right now. He says that he's still caked in evil and he has no heart, but then he tries to take us out to dinner and always comments on our daily contact scripture. He takes our advice to put up pics of the temple and he comes to church when he doesn't have his daughter. We told him that it takes a bit to shake off the chains, but he's started to! And he is DETERMINED to get to the temple!! It's a real goal for him and he works towards it every day! We told him that now he's going to have a powerful testimony of the Atonement. And once he's past all of this, he's going to be such an incredible advocate of it.

Weightless and Woah came with us to the Women's Conference! And it was SO COOL to have them there!! Serving in YSA is funny because it feels like I'm teaching my friends... so whenever we go somewhere, it feels like we're just another group of friends, going to get some spiritual nourishment! Which is so cool because if you asked me 5 years ago what I'd like to be doing on a Saturday night with my friends, it probably wasn't going to hear Pres. Uchtdorf talk about keeping commandments. And now... That to me defines a friend. Someone you can do uplifting things with. And who will eat good Mexican food with you beforehand.

I've noticed that Weightless has more of a relationship with God. She's coming slowly into her role as a daughter of God and it's so cool to watch that.

Same thing with Woah. This stuff is just... so natural to her! Some kid on the UTA campus saw her reading the Book of Mormon and was all "oh, Mormon bible!" and immediately she said "na-uh, it's not the bible, it's different! They go hand in hand with each other!" We had to tell our Ward Council to make sure the ward knows Woah's not a member. Haha she just blends right on in!

Sweet Soul had a really rough week... And so when we called him to set up an appointment, we had originally asked for this coming tuesday (tomorrow.) Instead, he said "um... could we meet earlier?" and when we met on Saturday, he said "I just had a really rough week and so I knew I needed to meet with you guys. I knew reading the scriptures would help me feel that relief again and that warm feeling." We read Ether 12 with him and had a good discussion. He really lives up to his name.

So, in conclusion. I love my mission. I love the people I work with. I will assuredly love the new sister. I loved Women's Conference! I'm excited for General Conference! And here's my weekly soapbox:

Read Mosiah 18. I was reading it this morning and felt that the things Alma was saying to the people were things he was telling himself. He had to run through that checklist. And so when he gets to baptizing Helam, he prays to have the spirit's cleansing influence so as to make him holy enough to do this. Oh man!! I can just feel Alma's remorse for his sins and his burning desire to do the Lord's work. He's experienced that mighty change and now all he wants to do is help others get there. I want to personally testify that the Savior's Atonement works. For everyone. And I'm really glad that the missionaries I look up to in the Book of Mormon had some imperfections to overcome because it means I'm in good company. God doesn't look at the mistake as much as He looks at the recovery!

Pres. Uchtdorf said that we all have umbrellas of doubt fear and sin that shield us from the blessings of God. But as we live the commandments, we take those umbrellas away, we find our true selves, our real selves, our eternal nature and divine inheritances as sons and daughters of God.  I'm the most comfortable in my skin as I've ever been and it's because I'm SOAKED in the blessings Heavenly Father has RAINED on me.

I'm in a flippin' DELUGE.

Sorrynotsorry for the hecka long email!! LOVE Y'ALL!! Take chances, make mistakes and use the Atonement!

Love, Sister Gunny

Thou Shalt Not Kill

The sad sad realization of my mission is that no matter how well I descibe my experiences, no matter how many journals I've kept, pictures I've taken, not even if you met some of the characters in these stories, you will never know the full extent of my mission. It's a dream that I shared with my companions and even then... It's so surreal. It's WEIRD.

This week was good! We picked up some new investigators! Crispy kinda breaks my heart and makes me mad because he's searching for peace and stuff (you know... the stuff the gospel provides freely and liberally..) but doesn't really do much to go get it.... Being a missionary turns you into a mini-psychologist because you sit there and pick around their brains with the Spirit. They say one thing, you hear what they're REALLY trying to say... What he suffers from is Spiritual Emancipation-- he's orphaned himself from his Heavenly Father. That's sad to watch. But he still meets with us pretty regularly, so there's room to work! 

We taught Woah the 10 Commandments.  That same morning, I had been reading my Old testament Seminary manual and I got some really cool insight on the 10 comms. As we talked about it, I saw deeper into the Savior's law that, with His earthly ministry, fulfilled it. We talked about "Thou Shalt Not Kill" the longest because as we delved further we saw that the higher law is "Thou Shalt Help Others Live." It's not about not killing, it's not even about refraining from rude comments-- it's about loving another person and helping them LIVE. Living is hard, okay? And we need all the help we can get! 

Sweet Soul is... going at his own pace. We talked about some weightier subjects and helped him step closer into the light... but we have to walk with him. We tried to run the other day and it killed the Spirit. It was a hard lesson to learn, but I'm glad we know now what we should be doing with him. It's hard to not get excited... but then we turn on the firehose and they can't drink so well from it. 

Ahhh... people and their brains. 

Anyways. This email is a little disjointed. BUT. Thanks to everyone who sent me birthday wishes!! I loved them all and was so thankful to know that y'all haven't forgotten I exist! Ha... 

Final thought: There are a lot of RM's (returned missionaries) in this YSA (Young Single Adult) ward. Heck, lots of RM's in this world. And you know what I learned? It's not impressive to be an RM. Serving a mission does not make you awesome. Letting the mission change you makes you awesome. I've been really unimpressed with some of the RM's I've seen in my mission life and if I have anything to say about it, anyone within my circle of influence does not get to come home unconsecrated!! I know a good missionary when I see one. Wherever you are, tag or no tag, be that kind of missionary. Please. Let Christ's life change you. Have faith? ACT ON IT. 

Goes back to what I was saying before, "Thou Shalt Not Kill" is wayyyyy more than just not stabbing your neighbor. That's easy. Help others to LIVE. Lift them UP. 

LIIIIIIIIIIVVVEEEE!!!! LIVE LIFE TO ITS FULLEST! And the fullest is in the service of God!! Be full and be happy!! 

Love, 
The fullest, happiest Sister Missionary EVER.

It's So Easy To Be Happy

Herro!!

I remarked to President that my whole mission, I've been on the hunter end of the Jeremiah 16 spectrum. And it's been hard, hunting in holes and rocks is not a cake walk. So this whole fishing side of the spectrum has been really weird.... Not complaining.

So, in Arlington YSA, it hasn't always been this way, but the gators swim to you. And they come SOOOOO PREPARED. I've ranted about Woah (perhaps not enough...) but like seriously guys. You haven't met prepared until her. We asked her how her scripture reading has been going and she says "I try every day to be so diligent in reading and praying. And I've just felt so much better! I feel less stressed and worried... it is so easy to be happy!!" We set a baptismal goal for her of mid-October!!! SHE'S SO AWESOME. She's just diving into everything. I've never taught anybody quite like her!!

Ed is a newer gator, I think I mentioned him and his member friend last week. This week, we taught him in one of our bishopric's home. The spirit was SO THICK you could cut it with a knife! Though why you'd want to escapes me.... Anyways! We invited him to be baptized and he accepted!! We asked him why and he said "I watched the changes in my friend and he's happier and better now and I want that. I'm ready to give up my sins and my old ways." dumbfounded, I said "So when do you want to get baptized?" and he thought for a second and said October!! We handed him a calendar, he looked at it, and picked the 18th!!! And then he came to church on Sunday! WHOOHOOO!!

Weightless, the PM part of the PMLA relationship (now broken up) is on track for baptism as well! She's set a goal for January 3rd because she wants to make sure she's doing it for herself. But you know what.... she could totally get baptized in October too if she wanted haha. She's giving up her alcohol and partying... We were talking to her and she said she had a house-warming party to got o on Saturday... we got a little nervous (cuz her friends are big drinkers) but then she said "I was a little worried about going, but then I realized I can't stay out to late because I have church the next day!!" That was her first thought?? Haha, she's awesome. We can see and feel the weights coming off of her as she lives the Word of Wisdom, as she works forward instead of running around in circles. She's awesome!!

RANDOM STORIES: for FHE on Monday, the YSA was doing a flour fight. We took Danielle and were gonna leave after she got integrated into the group, but several members ran up to us and DUMPED flour all over us!! (pictures to follow). We tried to run away, but it was kind of the equivalent of 2 elks trying to grab a drink of water in a pond surrounded by hunters.... So.... it was a little inevitable. (?)

One Month's dad likes to meet with us when we teach the New Member Lessons to One Month. The Arlington 6 elders are trying to help him get to baptism. He wants to, just has a lot of fears. So whenever we go over, it's a lot of resolving concerns, and then we get to teach one Month. Anyways. They had to make a new bap date for him because he didn't come to church to make it to the one they had set. So I looked at his calendar, pointed to the 20th and said "Get baptized on the 20th." He paused... and said "okay." I like investigators I can do that to.

It was an awesome week! Don't let the devil get ya down! Cuz it's pretty easy to be happy ;)

DO GOOD THINGS!

Love, Sister Gunson

Has This Been Here the Whole Time?

Man, I love my mission. Every dang moment of it. Even when I hated it, I secretly loved it. You know those obnoxious couples (like my parents) who are soooo in love and can't stop talking about how awesome the other is? I'm like that about my mission.

Anyways. First, a funny story. Last p-day, I ditched the blonde. I decided to go for a nice conservative dark brown... in so doing, I managed to find a  secret, concealed burgundy amongst the ashier colours and the burgundy gained the upper-hand in the colour-wrestle that ensued... Long story short, I went from Rapunzel to the Little Mermaid. We ran to the market to grab another box of almost black brown to mute it. A week later, it's subdued to an auburn cast of brown. So I know repentance is real and that the Lord makes a way for our escape.

We started teaching a UTA student (I'll call her Woah.... you'll see why if you keep reading) that we found from an on-campus event last week. As we started talking more, she said that she works summers at a Scout Camp-- and subsequently ran into several Returned Missionaries. They quickly shared the gospel with her and gave her a Book of Mormon. She found us through the LDSSA (Latter Day Saint Student Association) at that aforementioned on-campus event, came to church last Sunday... and now she's our favorite investigator! Have you ever met the elect...? You haven't till you meet Woah. She's always felt there was something more than what her non-denominational friends were teaching and what the world was preaching... She's already living the Word of Wisdom(we didn't even teach her that yet! Go RM friends!!) and has seen the benefits and blessings from it. She prays and reads every night and diligently searches. She's INCREDIBLE. I've never been so blessed to teach and discuss with her!

Our Part Member/Less Active relationship broke up... which is funny because we totally called (prophesied?) it in weekly planning. The Spirit told us to sit back and watch... and told us that we had to work with them separately because their paths and goals were totally different. Sure enough... they broke up, moved out, and now we're meeting with them separately. We also have this habit of texting the Less Active right as he's about to light up a cigarette. We're working really hard to help him keep the Word of Wisdom. He's down to alcohol!!

On Wednesday, we sat down In the foyer before Institute to teach A Work of Salvation.  When he left, a non member and her LA friend came in and shortly therafter, One Month walked in. When she walked out, an RM and his friend came in.  So...  In about 45 minutes, we marathon taught 5 or so different people. It was really cool... the spirit would just direct us to the next person as to what they needed and the questions to ask. I grabbed an Ensign, not knowing why... and used it 5 different times. It was one of the neatest things to sit back with Christensen the 2nd and be all ".... did that really just happen?" And then someone gave us chocolate. I guess the church is true.

Earlier in the week, we had gone to dinner with 2 sweet members. One of them was a convert of 3 years and the other had just started coming back to church a year ago. We started talking about how awesome missions were and I could feel the gears turning... well on Fast Sunday, they both got up, bore testimony, and announced that they would be going on missions!! I ran up there and had to establish their words. I got to bear testimony of how my mission has changed me. The greatest miracle I've ever seen in this process--and there have been many-- has been me. I never thought this would happen, but I am becoming the person I imagined I would be in the MTC.

I got to share my Jacob 5:75 story to Superman and our YSA advisors. I could never have imagined in July of 2008, sitting on the UNLV campus, that I'd be here in Texas.... the advisor started crying and I wanted to cry and the sweetest spirit just PERMEATED the room. I'm so glad I went on a mission.

Final thoughts: IF YOU ARE LOOKING FOR A SIGN OR ANSWER FROM GOD AS TO WHETHER OR NOT YOU SHOULD SERVE A MISSION, HERE IT IS: DO IT. It is the greatest thing you could ever do. Feel like Heavenly Father is letting you choose? DO IT. You will never regret it.

Woah has lived across the Institute building for about 2 years now, I think. She's driven and walked past it so many times. She finally got into the building and in our first lesson, she said "I can't believe I've walked past this-- has this been here the whole time??" Not only has the Institute been here for a while, but the gospel is here.  We walk into this random gas station food joint called Epic Cones, in walks one of the employees about to start her shift, sees our name tags and shouts across the room "hey sisters!! I'm a Less Active member!!" we say "no way!! come to church!!"  We pass some guy in Target who's been taking the lessons for 9 months with the elders in some other ward and we commit him to be baptized, with journals and pens as our witness and he says "yeah, I think I should do that... I'll tell the elders tonight."  We get hit on walking to our apartment at the end of the night and instead of giving our number, we give a pamphlet, get his number, and send the elders to his door.

You finally see who you are to God. These miracles have been here this whole time. This gospel has been here this whole time. Where are you?

Servin' in Texas, that's where.

Have a great week y'all! Love ya!
Sister Gunson

PS: have some pictures.

My new hair and the back of my name tag

PS from Janet:  Hannah sent me a "before" picture of her hair--it was PURPLE.

#ShareGoodness

So YSA is different.... haha I've been serving in a family ward for so long I forgot that people my age existed. So it's been fun trying to talk to them.... I'm so very very awkward. A sister in the ward started calling me Sister Goober and it hasn't been a full week. 

But other than my supreme awkwardness, it's been AWESOME. It's good to get some change... I needed something new in which to forget myself. It's interesting to see the reasons why I'm here come popping out of the woodwork. I really questioned for a while if YSA was really where I was needed... it was just so out of the blue! But in the past couple of days... I've seen a lot. 

We taught Sweet Soul in a McDonalds. He doesn't have a car so he's limited to the places he can go. (Side note: He lives right past the Ranger stadium... And the Cowboys Stadium... and Six Flags. It was pretty fun driving past 'em) We're in this McDonalds and he's just bearing his soul to us and we're telling him he's a son of God and if he read his scriptures and said his prayers and came to church, his life would build back up.... IN A MCDONALDS. Ah, the sweet vicissitudes of mission life. The best part was after our lesson, we saw 2 teenagers and we contacted them. Taught L1 and L2. The entire time, one of the kids was like "man, I need to be a Mormon. I'm gonna be a Mormon. I'm texting my Mormon friend and telling him I'm joining!!" Sister Christensen and I left McDonalds and doubled over in laughter. We were quoting him the rest of the night. 

We had a baptism on Saturday too!! One Month is SUCH a sweetheart! She was so tender the whole week/weekend... it was good to talk to her. I didn't get to walk this path with her, but seeing the end results was really cool. So proud of her!! And we have another baptism this weekend!! Stay tuned!! 

Last night, we taught Stinker... and he's basically a younger Joker except I don't click with him as much as I did the Joker. Same sort of situation... He was in the military--and saw stuff-- and now has doubts. And I looked at him and said "Do you believe the Atonement is real?" and he said "I don't know, it's hard for me to believe what I can't see." I testified that the Atonement was something you can see and feel. As I said that, I thought about everybody in Euless, everybody in Lantana, everybody in Justin and everybody in River Trails.... Heck, everybody back home, myself included!! I've never had so much conviction that something was true as when I testified of the Atonement in that instance.

So for anybody that doubts whether or not God is real, if He loves you, if Jesus really died to save you, then come to church, partake of the sacrament and watch yourself literally change. You CAN become a better person and you WILL be with His help. He can loose any addiction, climb any mountain, trudge through every swamp and He understands everything you're going through. And He is so anxious to help you that He enlisted me, the goobiest goober in the world to preach His perfect gospel. They let me out of the MTC -- I don't know how-- so that I could tell the world the glad tidings of great joy. This is a message of hope. SO GO SPREAD IT. 

Speaking of which, DON'T FORGET TO DO ELDER BEDNAR'S CHALLENGE!!

Share your little raindrop of goodness because this world needs it!! You can't completely eradicate darkness... but we can overcome it! Always look to the light and find 5 good things out of any situation!! And be sure to share that with others because everybody needs a reminder. 

Well folks... I'm teaching punks, frat boys, hipsters, just about anything you can find on your average college campus.... and I LOVE IT!!! 

#SHAREGOODNESS !!!!

Love, Sister Gunson 

Don't Knock It 'Til You Try It!

Hannah's email if you only have time for a couple lines:  hannah.gunson@myldsmail.net

Her address if you can write more:  1500 West Lovers Lane #216

  Arlington, TX 76013

I do not like emailing on not-Mondays.... so if this is a tad hurried... oh well.

SO THIS WEEK WAS KINDA PRETY COOL. We had interviews with President and he and I had a real nice chat. It wasn't a heavy deep doctrinal cry your eyes out kind of interview. We talked like peers about the work. I love President. We had to leave early because we got to go to the UTA campus and do like a freedom of speech thing where all the clubs get on campus in a giant strip-mall kind of fashion. We had an incredible turnout at the on-campus event!! 47 sign-ups and 3 of them came to church on Sunday!! WHOOHOO

One of our (investi)gators, Song.... is..... starting to make progress. He came to institute (DyC went wayyy over his head) but had a good chat with our bishop who made him promise to read the BofM. As we were walking out, one of our convert members grabbed him and told him his story. We drove past the two walking and talking and Sister C the 2nd (Hannah had another companion named Sister Christensen..) and I were like ".... woah." It's the feeling you get when you watch miracles take place.

We made progress with one of our PMLA (part member/ less active families)... well, they're not families (hence the YSA  (Young Single Adult) part of my proselyting demographic) but in a relationship. By himself, he's cut down on so many of his Word of Wisdom issues. This week, he decided to quit smoking hookah and yesterday he stopped the chew. He let us smash his hookah heads (thus rendering them un-usable) as a kind of "get thee hence" party. I really like my mission.

We had a good, real honest conversation with Sweet Soul.... in McDonalds again...  where we laid it all out for him. We drew him a little road map (and I am so stinking proud of that teaching aid!!) of how to get from here to the Celestial Kingdom. We kept no secrets (except for those which are sacred...) and at the end he said "Okay.... okay I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'M GONNA COME TO CHURCH TOMORROW!!!" He grabbed our hands and was kinda shaky. We could feel the spirit just FLOOD his body and he was so giggly and giddy he didn't know what to do with himself. And then HE DID come to church! And stayed for 2 hours! (we thought he'd only make it to the sacrament meeting) and he even spoke up in sunday school!!

So President had set a date with One Month's dad (who's been studying with the elders in the family ward). We get to her house, planning on teaching her when her dad says  "Sisters.... I'm gonna throw a curveball at you" he told us that he had said yes to the date to get them off his back... but then we had an honest conversation with him and at the end, he said "well... I have no fear now! I'm getting baptized!" We just hope it sticks. I love having honest conversations with people. It's my all-time favorite thing to do as a missionary is to just ask people questions, listen and watch the Spirit teach them.

And then we ended the week with a baptism!!! Superman is probably the funniest convert I've ever met... he came to his baptismal interview wearing his Superman onesie because he had worn it to work for pajama day. My kinda convert. Our pictures that we sent into the mission office are PRICELESS-- so I sent them to you. Happy Birthday!  

Twas an excellent week. I love it here. I couldn't even begin to tell you how much I love this place. Or how much I love my mission. Sister Christensen and I have a lot of really good conversations--it's like the companionship study just goes on all day. It's awesome to be able to talk again. She tells me that I motivate her to work and to help her not think of home, that I have a "live like you're dying" mentality.... yeah, well, I do. I hate sitting (unless I'm teaching), I hate the car, I LOVE awkward missionary moments and I LOVE THIS GOSPEL AND HE WHO FOUNDED IT.

This area is gonna teach me a lot about how to not strangle my future kids though.... We get a lot of those just-barely-out-of-their-teens and they say stuff to get a rise and they're not committed, and then they blame stuff on Heavenly Father and they're all 'I'M SO DONE WITH THIS." Dude... you haven't even tried it. You can't quit something you don't start-- so don't do drugs and pick up the Book of Mormon!! Because there's a lot of good stuff in there. You can't say you hate Mormons until you spend time with them! So call the missionaries! And we'll help you figure out if you like us or not ;)

Have a great week!!

FORGIVE. FORGET. MOVE ON.

Love, Sister Goober (somebody in the YSA nicknamed me as thus.)

Ofa' Atu, Euless

Heeeeeyyyyyyyy ttthhhhheeeeeerrreeeee.... 

Well.... I'm being transferred. Everybody say BOOOOOO. By way of quasi-eulogy for my time spent here, I'd like to say a few things. Euless was HARD. I struggled and stretched in so many different ways but now I'm flexible and buff. Nothing was easy here and it all inched along. But yesterday, our Ward Mission Leader had some kind of fire under him for missionary work and he took over the whole Ward Council and advocated like a boss. He made the auxiliaries take responsibility for finding. There's a family that we've been trying to work with to get to the temple and he said "GET THE MISSIONARIES OUT OF THERE, IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY." I looked across the room at our elders and we just about burst into proud tears. I am so immensely proud of the progress we've made, the baptisms we've seen, the miracles we've worked... not just as an area, but as a zone. The Colleyville Zone is NOT the hardest zone in the mission-- it's the hardest-WORKING ;) 

I've had some time to reflect on true success as a missionary... mostly because I've been on my soapbox preaching at Sister Kuli in efforts to improve moral. There are several things I can't stand in life.  #1: the fact that Disney put Ariel-- a REDHEAD-- in a PINK dress (COME ON, REALLY??) #2: Agency (elaboration: when people do dumb things because they have been given agency. Agency is a glorious principle, I picked the right third y'all, don't worry...) #3: the devilish depression that comes from negative thought processes-- especially when they concern your individual worth and self-confidence. DON'T GIVE PLACE FOR THE ENEMY OF YOUR SOUL. 

We've lost You Asked For It as a progressing investigator. Every time she talks, I get these flashbacks of 1Nephi 29. So that was a painful lesson to go through, having her kick dirt on stuff she once praised. Gotye missed church yesterday, so he can't get baptized in August. September is still on the map though!! The Boy that Lived continues to come to church and stay all 3 hours and usually give us a lift home! But the hardest part of this week was seeing the disintegration of True Grit's grit. And it's all because she hasn't been partaking of the sacrament weekly. 

I honestly don't know how people can forget this stuff. Then again, Laman and Lemuel saw angels and heard the voice of God and then went on to teach their children to hate their cousins. But to this, I say "get over yourself, and CPR!!" (Janet's note:  I think that means "Church, Pray, Read")

I'm doing the Bednar challenge (Elder Bednar is a current, living apostle)-- which is when you take one of a million plain blue BofMs, write a question on the spine (or inside cover) and search that book for the answer to your question. President has asked us to do this in preparation for the coming of a general authority (church leader). I've decided to focus on how to make myself (or stay) forever strong and converted to this gospel. And in everything I've read so far (I'm still in 1nephi....) it struck me that hardening your heart is the start of moral disintegration. 

So, my last soapbox stance in Euless is this: DON'T HARDEN YOUR HEARTS AGAINST THIS. If you have a problem, PRAY. SEEK GUIDANCE. Answers do come-- they always come to the humble and penitent learner who seeks with real intent. 

Other than that, no new adventures to report. Stay tuned for the Arlington YSA chapter..... *shudder* YSA..... I shrink to think of the close contact with my demographic I'll be having. Guys, I like primary, okay? Primary is THE PLACE. 

DON'T BE STUPID 
Love, Sister Gunson

WEEKLY SHOUT OUT TO MY DADDY AND MIRANDA DAY BECAUSE IT'S THEIR BIRFFDAYYYS THIS WEEEEEK!!!!! YAYYYYYYYYYYY!!! Y'all are two stalwart friends of mine and I love you both!!