Thursday, November 3, 2011

To Sleep Or Not To Sleep

To sleep, or not to sleep: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer 
Through class the drooping eyes, the weary neck, 
Or to take action against these 
And by skipping class end them? To die: to sleep; 
No more; And by sleep to say we attempt an end 
At rehearsals and the piles of work 
That college is heir to, 'tis a consummation 
Devoutly wish'd by over-achievers. To die. To sleep; 
To sleep: perchance to stay awake in Philosophy! Ay, that is the rub; 
For in that uncomfortable nap on my desk 
When no lesson passes through my ears, 
(When I have completed the reading at 1 in the morning,) 
Must give us pause: there’s the problem
That turns my eyes from white to a grapefruit pink (occasionally demon red)  
For who would bear the incoherent thoughts of the half-asleep 
The confusion of disjointed thoughts, the inability to concentrate
The aching eyelashes, the desire for more than a chair. 
The pining of bed and pillow 
That even the liveliest student has not the strength to deny
(especially) When he himself might his nap take 
With a pair of cozy sweats? Who would choose 
To moan and complain from class through hall 
But that the dread of waking up from dormancy 
The dreams you’d forget, the nightmares you’d remember 
No human prefers to be asleep, it puzzles the will 
And makes us long for that which he have not in the moment 
Then fly to my bed! And sink soft therein... Only to have 
My conscience strain at my brain and keep me from the brink of rest 
And thus, the vicious duties of day turn a simple cat nap
Into something sicklied and soiled with the pale cast of thought, 
And makes the roommate, boyfriend, mother sympathize the moment 
With their regards-- and often demands 
And make me loose my sleepy action-- Soft you, now! 
The exciting noises, a song to pull me from my comforter 
Be all my forsaken hours of sleep rememb’red 

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Story Time: Chapstick

Imagine this:

A serene campground. People milling about, setting up tents, arranging sleeping bags. A few might even be preparing food and fire. All in all, it's quiet and peaceful. The next thing you know, two girls have bolted out of their tent, screaming, and are running for the bathroom.

Your first thought might be "they must've seen a spider," or "how did a lizard get into the tent?" or even
".... adverse reaction to LSD?" There are, of course, many theories as to why 2 girls would scream and bolt out of a tent, but I'll tell you the truth. I believe in disregarding the incrimination and mockery that's surely short to follow.

I sat with my friend, Anna, in our tent. The topic of conversation ranged from our mad desire for cherry Capri Sun juice pouches to the age-old tradition of crushes. Eventually, the topic strayed into some of the wackier things we'd done. I, planning on out-doing Anna, explained of an instance where I ate chapstick. I was embellishing the story a bit; I didn't actually EAT chapstick. I licked it. And to be honest, I think it wasn't so much chapstick as it was candy masquerading as chapstick (it wasn't your generic brand of chapstick.) Nevertheless, I pressed foreword, explaining how it tasted awesome and it didn't gross me out. Also not to be outdone, Anna declared that she too had eaten chapstick before. I called her out on her bluff; only I was crazy enough to eat chapstick, but she insisted that she had. Furthermore, she described eating chapstick, agreeing with me the entire way.

"Well, if you like eating chapstick, why don't we eat some now?" I challenged.

"That's fine, I've actually got a couple Smuckers sticks around here somewhere…" said Anna, delving into her backpack to find the Smuckers. Shortly emerging, she handed me a Cinnamon Vanilla chapstick and kept a Strawberry for herself. We looked at each other and nodded, rolling up each chapstick to its full height.

I can still feel the sensation of biting into the banana-like flesh of the chapstick. Except if it was a banana, it would have to be the most unripe banana ever grown on this green-and-blue earth because biting into chapstick is the farthest thing from biting into refreshing, tropical fruit. Chapstick is grainy and clumpy, meaning it didn't just glide down my throat, it clumped in my teeth and under my tongue. The texture is almost as unnerving as eating raw eel, only raw eel tastes marginally better. I was, in fact, not eating the essence of a Cinnamon Vanilla bun, but was eating the essence of a Mithril blade. It burned my throat with the burn of a thousand evils. With complete disregard to social norms, I spluttered,spat and sprinted  my way to the bathroom to wash my mouth out with soap. Anna followed quickly. After rinsing what must be Hell's 'ambrosia' out of our mouths, Anna and I looked at each other and knew what the other was thinking.

Generally, women are able to look at each other and just KNOW what the other is thinking. It's how we communicate with each other when cute boys are in the room and we'd like to discuss them. But I'm pretty sure that, no matter the gender, should someone have walked in and seen our shared look, they would have known that we did something stupid and repetition wouldn't be given a moment's thought.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Story Time: I've met Geoffrey Rush

Once upon a time, I had a dream. I wanted to be famous. I wanted people to know me when I walked down the street, I wanted to laugh at all those who had previously laughed at me. But most importantly, I wanted to talk to famous people. Then one day, it happened! My senior year of high school, I got to talk to famous people! Who did I talk to? Geoffrey Rush, Colin Firth, Helena Bonham Carter and Nicole Kidman. Why did I get to talk to famous people? Because Santa Barbara does this Film Festival. And my school decided to send Co-Captain, Second in Command, and me to go talk to them. 'Cuz we were on the school's newspaper. 

You dream of this sort of moment all your life. The chance to talk to the person that brought countless characters to life! So what are you going to say to them? Something witty? Make them laugh? Well.... Geoffrey Rush laughed at me. Not laughed WITH me, laughed AT me. Going back to the whole “want to say something witty” dream? 
Geoffrey Rush has what’s known as the ‘Triple Crown of Acting’ which is when you’ve won an Oscar, Emmy and a Tony. Knowing that he’s taking a play he’s in down in Sydney up to Broadway in New York City, I decided to ask him about his achievements. For posterity, I elaborated on what a Triple Crown was while talking to Rush. I thought I had completed each word, correctly saying each syllable. Os-car, Em-my, To- 

Apparently I didn’t finish that last syllable. 

Like any educated man, Rush called me out. Not only that, but his amused reply of “.... Toe...” threw me completely off all rails. Flustered and confused, I attempted a recovery, but to no avail. Rush displayed the admirable trait to laugh things off and segue beautifully into an intellectual reply. In parting, he turned, laughed, and reassured me that he would “remember that one.” 

I think my face matched the brilliant red hue of the carpet I was standing by. 

Pictured: Geoffrey Rush laughing at me. 

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

50 Adult Questions

I graduated high school last week. June 2nd, 2011. For some reason, I thought that when you graduate high school, you know everything about life. With this rite of passage, I assumed I entred into adulthood and was ready for the world. In four years, you can learn a lot! Just... not everything. As was my misfortune to discover June 2nd, 2011.

Few things have I reason to question. I accept things as they are given to me and that makes my life simple. But because I have not yet received answers to these questions, I must ask the masses in the hopes that they  have the answers I couldn't find at Dos Pueblos High School.

1. In Disney's "The Little Mermaid," Ariel attempts to use sign language to explain her situation to Eric. Assuming Ariel was a well-educated princess (considering she explored the vast ocean that was her kingdom, displayed tactical knowledge in the destroying of Ursula and the saving Eric from drowning AND was able to keep her cave of human memorabilia secret from her father-- who ruled the ocean.) why didn't she have the simple MOTOR SKILLS to write in the sand her story? Eric was looking for the woman who saved him and then sang to him... If you're basing your love on that? Why not, am I right?

2. Why do hot dogs come in packages of 10, but hot dog buns come in packages of 8? It's like they're counting on us to be gluttons.

3. Why do your parents say nothing when they're disappointed in you? And why is that scarier than when they yell??

4. Why does my toner/conditioner run out faster than my face wash/shampoo? Equal amounts, and yet?...

5. Why do people like being angry or sad? It's like they're unhappy when they're happy. One of life's biggest paradoxes.

6. How can you tell the difference between a guy showing romantic interest and friendly interest? Most of the time, I can't tell the difference.

7. On that note-- Why don't guys ever just come out and say it? It's more appreciated when you tell us and you DON'T look like an idiot.

8. Why do women say they're okay when they're not? I'm a woman and I don't even know! And then we get mad at men when they don't understand subtext!....

9. ...Why don't men understand subtext?

10. How come all the mean girls get everything? Lead roles, cheer captains, the nice guys, all the attention. Why?

11. Is personality a gene? Is everything simply made up of chemicals and science?

12. Why are people obsessed with causing themselves pain and anguish? We throw ourselves in front of cars because we're bored?

13. Why do people think high school is their life? Don't they realize they have college?

14. A lot of people expected us to have invented jet packs and be living on the moon by now. Why don't people realize we have iPhones?

15. Why don't people love more? Is it really that hard?

16. If "success" is measured in money, what's happiness measured in?

17. Who came up with the word "colonel" and decided it was pronounced "kernel?"


19. How does J.K. Rowling expect me to know Dumbledore was gay?

20. And how does being gay affect Dumbledore's character? Where's the significance? Reason behind it all?

21. Why do people play video games of sports when it's not that hard to go outside and actually play the sport? Like the game FIFA '11. You can play soccer outside. I can understand RPG's, they have stories. But.... sport video games? Really?

22. Why are there so many characters in Marvel? Do you NEED that many heroes/villians?

23. They're never going to stop making Marvel movies, huh?

24. Can someone explain wine to me? It needs to... breathe? Is it alive?

25. Who listens to Kidz Bop? Somebody, 'cuz they keep making them...

26. Why do filmmakers think that the best way to keep making money is with lesser-sequels and gritty reboots? You just disappoint people, you'd think they'd learn!

27. Why does food NEVER look like it's depicted on the menu? When IHOP bring me my happy face waffles, there's something slightly off about it... and it's generally the strawberries.

28. Why can you get pizza faster than you can an ambulance?

29. Fan girls are always obsessing about how cute L or Snape is. They always like the really nerdy, greasy sort. Why don't they realize that if they existed, they would be repulsed by their state of hygiene/ sleep deprivation?

30. Why do telepaths put their fingers to their temples to communicate better? Is that like cupping your hand to your ear?

31. And by the way, does that even work anymore?

32. Was Russia ever happy? You think they should get out of the snow or something else. Perhaps some more sunlight?

33. What is love?

32. Why are cats so entertained by mice?

33. If the plural of "goose" is "geese," shouldn't the plural of "moose" be "meese?"

34. Why does i go before e, EXCEPT after c?

35. Why do dogs chase cats? Is there some war going on that we're all not aware of?

36. Why do zombies eat brains?

37. And by extension, why do vampires drink blood? Is the answer to both because they eat what they don't have? And if that's true, why can't I eat happiness?? >:(


39. Who came up with milk? That was SO a revelation from God...

40. Why does money value decrease to us as we get older? When I was your age, a dollar meant something!

41. How exactly does one walk uphill both to and from school?

42. There's a show on Nick Jr. called "Boobahs." WHO CAME UP WITH THAT?

43. Probably the same people that came up with the Teletubbies. SO WHO IS THIS TRIPPY FOOL?

44. How can Disney simultaneously create innocent movies but hide the most crude innuendos within such beautiful innocence?

45. How does "playing dead" during a bear attack make any sense?

46. Somebody explain hipsters to me. They're too obscure for my mainstream mind to figure out.

47. When will people realize that simplicity is what's really beautiful?

48. Why do you have to tell a kid to do something a million times before they actually do it?

49. Why are moms TOTALLY obsessed with making you eat?

50. How do parents still love you through your teenage years?